What Are You Going to Do?
When our daughters, who are now teenagers, were younger, I used to "help" them clean their rooms. Actually, I cleaned their rooms. When they were 3-4 years old, my wife would keep them occupied while I organized toys, put away laundry, and put books back on the shelves. When the rooms were in "tip top" shape, I would beam with pride at how nice the rooms looked and think about being such a great parent.
Oh how wrong was I...
It's interesting to me that even now now our daughters just haven't mastered how to clean their rooms. Their tolerance for dirty laundry on the floor, books all over the place except on shelves, and just general "stuff" everywhere is remarkable to me. Didn't I teach them to keep a nice and tidy room?
In reality, I taught them that someone else will clean-up their messes for them.
What I've learned about working with young people is that doing everything for our children is not always best. Kids need to learn to solve problems. They need to develop an "inside-the head" voice that tells them the basic causes and effects of life. Good choice usually means good consequence. Bad choice usually means bad consequence. And--it's always easiest to learn these lessons when the price tag is smaller.
What I did wrong was simple. I didn't let our daughters learn how to clean their own rooms. I didn't make solving that "problem" a fun game by doing it with them. I didn't set loving limits by smiling and saying things like, "Feel free to play outside with the neighbors as soon as all of the books are back on the shelves." Rather, I was their "outside-the-head" voice. I rescued them about every 3 weeks by whisking in and cleaning their rooms for them. Now that they are older I just get angry with them because they don't keep their rooms clean.
Rescuing and getting angry do not build strong relationships with others. Rescuing and getting angry do not teach. They actually push away. Sure, rescuing and getting angry are efficient at times, but they are also very, very draining. I'd rather spend my time building those collaborative relationships and keeping parenting fun--with loving limits. When my daughters can't find a book or a specific item in their room, it would be better to say with **empathy to them, "What are you going to do?" Rescuing and getting angry do not teach or develop the "inside-the-head" voices. They actually teach our young people that they are weak. Saying, "What are you going to do?" sends a message of power, and then you can help guide that young person to solve that problem.
(**Special note--empathy is critical. Have you ever noticed that when adults use sarcasm with kids it comes back to us sounding like whining or being a smart aleck? Think twice about where our kids learned how to talk like that.)
None of the above ideas are mine. I have taken every one of them from Parenting with Love and Logic. Their website is filled with free resources and items for purchase that can help make parents and educators think twice about rescuing or getting angry our kids. I've been a facilitator of Love and Logic for almost 20 years, and it has changed my outlook on helping children. Guiding kids to solve their own problems is a wonderful skill. You can read more about that here.
If anyone who ever reads this wants to just talk about being a more effective parent and doesn't know where start, please go to the website, and then feel free to contact me at dascher@novischools.net.
You might think keeping a room clean is no big deal, and I would probably agree with you. What, however, are you going to say when your child reports a bigger problem to you? What will you say when your child says she is getting "picked on" at school? What are you going to say when your child has his first "broken heart" as a teenager? What are you going to say when your child reports that some kids on the team are starting to experiment with drugs or alcohol? What are you going to say when your child asks to borrow the keys to the car?
My hope is you will rest a little easier knowing you have helped your child develop that "inside the head" voice that is able to solve problems.
Oh how wrong was I...
It's interesting to me that even now now our daughters just haven't mastered how to clean their rooms. Their tolerance for dirty laundry on the floor, books all over the place except on shelves, and just general "stuff" everywhere is remarkable to me. Didn't I teach them to keep a nice and tidy room?
In reality, I taught them that someone else will clean-up their messes for them.
What I've learned about working with young people is that doing everything for our children is not always best. Kids need to learn to solve problems. They need to develop an "inside-the head" voice that tells them the basic causes and effects of life. Good choice usually means good consequence. Bad choice usually means bad consequence. And--it's always easiest to learn these lessons when the price tag is smaller.
What I did wrong was simple. I didn't let our daughters learn how to clean their own rooms. I didn't make solving that "problem" a fun game by doing it with them. I didn't set loving limits by smiling and saying things like, "Feel free to play outside with the neighbors as soon as all of the books are back on the shelves." Rather, I was their "outside-the-head" voice. I rescued them about every 3 weeks by whisking in and cleaning their rooms for them. Now that they are older I just get angry with them because they don't keep their rooms clean.
Rescuing and getting angry do not build strong relationships with others. Rescuing and getting angry do not teach. They actually push away. Sure, rescuing and getting angry are efficient at times, but they are also very, very draining. I'd rather spend my time building those collaborative relationships and keeping parenting fun--with loving limits. When my daughters can't find a book or a specific item in their room, it would be better to say with **empathy to them, "What are you going to do?" Rescuing and getting angry do not teach or develop the "inside-the-head" voices. They actually teach our young people that they are weak. Saying, "What are you going to do?" sends a message of power, and then you can help guide that young person to solve that problem.
(**Special note--empathy is critical. Have you ever noticed that when adults use sarcasm with kids it comes back to us sounding like whining or being a smart aleck? Think twice about where our kids learned how to talk like that.)
None of the above ideas are mine. I have taken every one of them from Parenting with Love and Logic. Their website is filled with free resources and items for purchase that can help make parents and educators think twice about rescuing or getting angry our kids. I've been a facilitator of Love and Logic for almost 20 years, and it has changed my outlook on helping children. Guiding kids to solve their own problems is a wonderful skill. You can read more about that here.
If anyone who ever reads this wants to just talk about being a more effective parent and doesn't know where start, please go to the website, and then feel free to contact me at dascher@novischools.net.
You might think keeping a room clean is no big deal, and I would probably agree with you. What, however, are you going to say when your child reports a bigger problem to you? What will you say when your child says she is getting "picked on" at school? What are you going to say when your child has his first "broken heart" as a teenager? What are you going to say when your child reports that some kids on the team are starting to experiment with drugs or alcohol? What are you going to say when your child asks to borrow the keys to the car?
My hope is you will rest a little easier knowing you have helped your child develop that "inside the head" voice that is able to solve problems.
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