What Do You Want to Hear?

"David, what happened?"

"I don't know, Doc. I was doing a few chores in our garage and then snap...I buckled over in pain.  My back just went out…bad."

"It says here you had to go to the ER for muscle spasms.  I don't recall you ever complaining about back issues."

"No. My back has never been a problem for me."

"Well David, you know you're not 25 any longer?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well...I've been commenting to you the last several years that you could afford to lose a little weight and exercise a bit more."

"What do you mean?"

"David, I'm your doctor. We've known each other for almost 20 years now, but you don't pay me to say what you want to hear. Rather, my job is to tell you want you need to hear."


You can guess how the conversation from last summer ended. I walked out of my doctor’s office with several pages of "lower back exercises" from my doctor, and I promised to try my best to follow his directions. In short, I was humbled.  I was humbled by my doctor, my age, and some simple household chores.

I like what my doctor said, however.  I don't really want my doctor to tell me that everything is OK if it is not. My health is something I take seriously, and it's ultimately up to me to make the best-possible decisions. Am I perfect with my exercises and diet? No, but I am getting better. I am being intentional. I do notice a difference.

This incident reminded me about our teachers and how we communicate with our families. Do you want a teacher to tell you what you want to hear about your child or what you need to hear about your child? I expect my staff to communicate regularly and proactively with parents about their students' progress. (We should not wait until parent-teacher conferences if we have a concern now.) Even more, I expect teachers to have difficult conversations about what children need not just about what they want. Fortunately, my staff does a nice job with this, but as you can imagine, it is a balancing act.  You’d be surprised how many times parents will defend a child’s bad behavior or make excuses for poor habits.  You’d be surprised how many times parents will not believe there is a concern.

Like doctors, teachers are not perfect. Teachers (and principals) can always do a better job at communicating what is said and how it is said, but I encourage all parents to listen for what their child needs rather than what they want to hear about their child. This means we (I'm a parent, too!) may need to help our child with flashcards. Or maybe we need to get out and do more reading or writing with our kids. (I was just helping our 8th grader review using flashcards for her Spanish class.)  Sometimes we need to consult other professionals to help us navigate towards success.

As a parent, I would struggle if my child's teacher always told me that everything was fine. Between you and me, I don't want “fine” for our daughters or my students.  I want all young people to grow, to learn, to challenge themselves, to help others, to be curious... Sometimes this growth is academic, but it can also be emotional or social. If your child is commenting that he or she is "bored" at school, ask your child how he or she is taking responsibility for his or her own learning? Work with your child's teacher, but also remember school is not an entertainment industry.

A colleague and I were discussing our concerns about the need for effective communication between home and school. She summarized my thoughts best:

I just think “truth” – parents should be reminded of why it’s important and necessary for teachers to share concerns and teachers are reminded that being proactive on addressing concerns only benefits the student. I think everyone that is a parent can agree that it’s not always easy to listen to what teachers believe their child needs, but it’s necessary to put that aside in the best interest of our kids.

As we approach week 8 of school, this is an important reminder for all of us!

 

PS...My back is great…since I've been following my doctor's suggestions!