New Identities

My wife and I had our identities taken this summer--twice.

The first time our identity was stolen by a hacker.  Control of our email account was taken from us which meant he/she was able to take control of our online shopping account and ultimately our credit card.  We had charges on our accounts that were not from us.  We made multiple calls to the shopping site, our credit card, the email and internet provider, the state police, and even the FBI.  In the end, we spent more than 30 hours protecting our credit, changing accounts and passwords, and collecting and submitting the proper documentation.  It was horrible.  We felt like we didn't know what to do, and we were worried about what could happen next.  My best advice is to change your passwords--frequently.

The second time our identity was taken from us took a little longer.  In fact, it took almost 19 years for us to lose this identity.  In some ways, however, our identities seem to disappear in an absolute instant.  Our daughters are both away and in college now which means we are "official" empty nesters.  Strangely, many of emotions between the two identity "thefts" are the same.  In both instances we initially felt like we didn't know what to do, and we were worried about what could happen next.  Our house is now strangely quiet.  We do about half as much laundry, and our leftover meals last a lot longer.  There isn't as much clutter around the house, but I've been told the messes are still from me!  My wife and I are beginning to create new identities for ourselves, and we're excited!  My best advice is to see each day as a great blessing.

The start of a school year reminds me that we ask our students to "create" new identities for themselves each year.  All of our students are expected to learn, and that brings a unique set of pressures for every age.  There are, of  course, differences from grade to grade.  (There is a big difference from being a 2nd grader to being a 3rd grader.  Just ask one.)  Some of our students have moved from different countries and are learning a new language.  Some of our students are developing techniques to make and keep better friends.  Many of our students are adjusting to new sensory needs or speech and language needs.  Just the social/emotional needs of a new school year require all identities to mature and change.  The transition into a new school year requires everyone to create new identities.

I'm grateful that our community and school collaborate to help our students with their new identities and these transitions.  It's a good reminder to all of us that these changes can be a challenge, and while the feelings are very real, things do get better.  It's also a great reminder that every change is an opportunity for exciting and new learning.

My wife and I have secured our credit, and the new journeys we will take together truly are exciting.  (We'll always be parents, by the way.  It's just different now!)  The new school year will be just as exciting.  Here's to new identities, wonderful learning opportunities, and an even better year!

Now, about that hacker...

Hope In a New School Year

Our new school year begins soon.  Students will enter our school for their first day of the '19-'20 school year just after Labor Day weekend.  Staff have returned and are busy preparing rooms, planning lessons, and collaboratively learning how to create even better opportunities for our students.  As a building principal, this is the time of the year when I write about hope for the future and gratitude for our supportive community and remarkable staff.

This year, however, feels different.

Yes, I do have great hope for the future, and I am very, very grateful for our community and staff.  I am regularly amazed by what our students and district are able to do together.  It is a privilege to work as an educator in my district, but I have seen a change that worries me.

I am worried about gun violence in our country and the lasting impact this is having on our young people.

While I have political beliefs about gun violence and gun safety, I am not writing this post to spread those beliefs.  Rather, I am writing this post to help inform the adults in my community that we must address anxiety and stress from gun violence.  This includes the impact on young people of 24 hours news and instant updates on the smartphones in our pockets.

To be clear, I am not an expert, and I am not claiming to have all of the answers to solve these very complex issues.  If anything, I am hoping to bring to light that the solutions will also need to be just as complex.

One "solution" I recently saw marketed was bullet proof backpacks.  Maybe this is not new to you, but I was taken aback.  I haven't decided yet if I am for or against a product like this.  It's clearly an emotional topic, but I did begin to reflect on what we do in our district and if we have any students who may be bringing backpacks like this to school.  I began to think about how parents may prepare their kids to use a bullet proof backpack and the unintended consequences of those conversation.  In my years as an educator I am acutely aware that students are almost always able to discern the messages we intend and don't always intend to send when we discuss difficult topics with them.  One message of a bullet proof backpack is, of course, "This will help keep you safe."  Perhaps the unintended message is, "You will not be safe without this backpack."

Do kids feel unsafe?  If they do feel unsafe, what is the impact on their learning and development?

I know that when kids (and adults for that matter) feel unsafe they become more anxious.  They are not always able to make the best of decisions.  They may struggle to think clearly or to emotionally bond with others.  They may not retain important information.  I know you can add to this list, and gun violence is clearly not the only source of anxiety, but gun violence is real, and it has increased.  As I suggested earlier, it seems even more real in 2019 with the types of instant communication we literally have at our fingertips.

I tried to imagine how much much gun violence has increased since I was in elementary school.  I wanted to compare my childhood experiences with our daughters' experiences.  While I know it's not scientific or always 100% accurate, I turned to Wikipedia and searched for Lists of Mass Shootings in the United States.  I don't intend  to debate the numbers or definitions Wikipedia uses to make this list, but here's what I found:

• From when I was born in 1970 and until my 18th birthday, Wikipedia lists 239 people killed in mass shootings in the United States.
• From when our youngest daughter was born and until she turned 18 on August 5, 2019, Wikipedia lists 959 people killed in mass shootings in the United States.

And I did not grow up with 24 hour news or any sort of internet, wifi, or smartphone connectivity.

Does our daughter feel scared?  Is she more anxious at 18 than I was at 18 because of gun violence or the reporting of that violence?  I'm not sure, and I'm not sure it would be possible to measure or compare, but the numbers were staggering  to me.  Our daughter has potentially been aware of 4 times more mass shooting deaths in her lifetime than I was in my first 18 years of life.

How should adults respond to a mass shooting?  I suppose this is the most important topic of all because the numbers suggest we will eventually need to respond to another mass shooting. In fact, I know from experience that our young people look to the adults for how to respond. 

The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement has some resources.  You can download their special guide on how to talk to kids about tragedies here.  (I know as adults we get inundated with documents we "should" read, so I have listed the section topics here to encourage you to download the document and to really read it.  It is 2 pages.)

• They Will Ask What Happened
• Could I Have Done Anything to Prevent This?
• Whose Faults Is It?
• Is This Going to Change My Life?
• Can I Help?
• I Don't Want to Make Things Worse, So Should I Say Nothing Instead?
• What If It Upsets Them?
• Should I Bring It Up Even If They Don't Ask Questions?  What If They Don't Seem To Want To Talk About It?
• How Can I Tell If Children Need More Than I Can Provide?  Where Should I Go For Such Help?
• If I Have More Questions, Where Can I Turn For Answers?

What I know is not the answer is to do nothing or to pretend that this will go away.  The numbers, wherever you seek them, tell the story.  We need to parent our young people differently in 2019 than our parents parented us.  That seems to hold true for almost every generation mainly because the contexts change.  It's not always bad either.  The "good old days" were not always as good as we necessarily remember them, but this issue of gun violence still feels different to me.

I am grateful for where I work and live.  Our community engages in deep conversations around safety and helping young people, and they financially support structural changes to our schools to make them even more safe.  Our district is recognized by others as a leader in helping young people academically, socially, and emotionally.  We have remarkable partnerships with other organizations in our community to help everyone.  Our staff takes these issues seriously and advocates for even more training and supports.  I do see hope.  Our students smile and laugh and help each other.  They want the world to be better, and they know they play a part in helping the world.   They work together.  They listen to each other.  They solve problems.  They ask questions.  They advocate for others.  The list is endless.

My faith and others encourage me to not worry so much, but I still do.  I worry our society has become numb to this sort of violence or that we have begun to see these numbers as normal.  Violence and  unnecessary stress or anxiety should never become normal.  Our future depends on it.

Read the download.

Thank you.